08-30-2013, 08:19 AM
For a love poem it's not too bad. There is too much comment from others to read through, so if I repeat, then I do.
There are lines that seem a tad to long, but nothing fatal.
The following line seems a bit over the top "I hold you close, my love, my Aphrodite;"
The last section is confusing, as it is not clear who is talking to who. I could figure it out, but that's not my job.
Your use of dimming as a metaphor, though well worn, is still artfully done.
On the whole it seems to be rounding in well. The poignant points seem to me to the strongest feature. The overall feel of the lines seems that of an idyll, and is reminiscent of the bucolic aspects of Tennyson "Idylls of the King", in feel if not in form.
Dale
There are lines that seem a tad to long, but nothing fatal.
The following line seems a bit over the top "I hold you close, my love, my Aphrodite;"
The last section is confusing, as it is not clear who is talking to who. I could figure it out, but that's not my job.
Your use of dimming as a metaphor, though well worn, is still artfully done.
On the whole it seems to be rounding in well. The poignant points seem to me to the strongest feature. The overall feel of the lines seems that of an idyll, and is reminiscent of the bucolic aspects of Tennyson "Idylls of the King", in feel if not in form.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.