08-30-2013, 04:36 AM
Edit 2
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glint; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
auric glint...much better in terms of freshness, though I'm not sure it's better sonically. What sound does the poem want here?
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless belt.
Three jewels drew you to my appellation; then for one pearl
we held a sombre service and pompously made Alnitak my own.
The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
fading and pulled...I would think there is some opportunity to pick a more precise and richer word.
abraded by the sand that scars the lens
and runs spontaneous through the glassy phial.
Is this becoming spontaneous? Or is this spontaneous all along? see note at end
I hold you close, my love, my Aphrodite;
these days I touch you more, to know you, than before.
you=lover
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
After pondering, I reached that bright is a throwaway, unless you really want it as the process of becoming, but nothing later in the poem seems to want that concept of evolving.
Evolving wasn't how you worded it semantically in the original, so the question morphs into: Is there another word that could add something to the poem?
not thinking that the dust would come between us
and our spaced embrace -- one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you.
you = Alnitak
If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.
Following the antecedents, you=Alnitak, but the last line seems to want to be you=lover, so I don't know. Left to what I see here, I would conclude, you=Alnitak.
Following the original, there was more sense of themes of naming in the first stanza. I would have liked to have seen that explored further. This version drops most of that, so it's tighter, but at the same time, some of its potential has evaporated.
If this were in a journal, I would accept it as a whole, though this is a workshop and I do think there is still room for this to grow.
...
end note:
By the way, you can find grammatical sources where run is used as a linking verb like in run dry, as in "becomes dry". "runs fast" is consider correct usage, though fast is labeled as an adverb in that instant.
Interesting enough, "raged bright" would be grammatically correct according to some sources, but this does not appear to be universal. However, this is not because raged is a linking verb. You can find "bright" labeled as an adverb in a few places, though of course, the definition of bright in such cases is merely "brightly".
What's amusing is that I have no love of grammar. The only use that I can see for it is to avoid confusion. However, a part of my job is prepping students to take standardized tests, so I need to know this stuff.
edit 1
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together,
held a sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.
The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more, to know you, than before.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.
original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.
Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would see again the sky.
Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013
bt and milo...beware the spontaneous trap
[/quote]
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glint; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
auric glint...much better in terms of freshness, though I'm not sure it's better sonically. What sound does the poem want here?
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless belt.
Three jewels drew you to my appellation; then for one pearl
we held a sombre service and pompously made Alnitak my own.
The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
fading and pulled...I would think there is some opportunity to pick a more precise and richer word.
abraded by the sand that scars the lens
and runs spontaneous through the glassy phial.
Is this becoming spontaneous? Or is this spontaneous all along? see note at end
I hold you close, my love, my Aphrodite;
these days I touch you more, to know you, than before.
you=lover
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
After pondering, I reached that bright is a throwaway, unless you really want it as the process of becoming, but nothing later in the poem seems to want that concept of evolving.
Evolving wasn't how you worded it semantically in the original, so the question morphs into: Is there another word that could add something to the poem?
not thinking that the dust would come between us
and our spaced embrace -- one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you.
you = Alnitak
If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.
Following the antecedents, you=Alnitak, but the last line seems to want to be you=lover, so I don't know. Left to what I see here, I would conclude, you=Alnitak.
Following the original, there was more sense of themes of naming in the first stanza. I would have liked to have seen that explored further. This version drops most of that, so it's tighter, but at the same time, some of its potential has evaporated.
If this were in a journal, I would accept it as a whole, though this is a workshop and I do think there is still room for this to grow.
...
end note:
By the way, you can find grammatical sources where run is used as a linking verb like in run dry, as in "becomes dry". "runs fast" is consider correct usage, though fast is labeled as an adverb in that instant.
Interesting enough, "raged bright" would be grammatically correct according to some sources, but this does not appear to be universal. However, this is not because raged is a linking verb. You can find "bright" labeled as an adverb in a few places, though of course, the definition of bright in such cases is merely "brightly".
What's amusing is that I have no love of grammar. The only use that I can see for it is to avoid confusion. However, a part of my job is prepping students to take standardized tests, so I need to know this stuff.
edit 1
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together,
held a sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.
The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more, to know you, than before.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.
original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.
Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would see again the sky.
Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013
bt and milo...beware the spontaneous trap
[/quote]