Blinded by the Night edit 2. btrudo,Christophersea, milo

[tectak]

edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night1
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
a golden glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together
after sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
The first stanza may be whimsical, but these 3 lines are NOT whimsical:
faded, pulled, abraded, scarifies...
This is a major change in tone.


my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more to know you than I used to do.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013

I am hesitant to comment on the current edit for fear of being dragged into the vortex of debate associated with your piece. Nonetheless, I do like the change in timbre to a more impassioned voice. Beware of being crushed between the Scylla and Charybdis!

Nice to hear Scylla and Charybdis brought into this acrimonious modernity...nothing changes under the sun...hrmmmph!