08-29-2013, 04:47 PM
Hi CITW,
Firstly welcome to the site.
You have given us, is what i would think of as a great poem starter. I will try and explain what i mean. Your subject chosen, you have then laid out the sequence of events that you want to cover and organised them into sub groups, but in terms of offering the reader poetic delight it is somewhat limited at this stage. You have some nice end rhyming couplets but you have not offered any images for the reader to get drawn into your picture.
Please do not be discouraged by these comments. Think of this as just a stage or process of your poem's development. You have posted in exactly the right place to be offered a wealth of advise and thoughts on how you might improve your poem. Take your time with your edit. Wait for a few comments to be offered and see where this takes you.
My thought is that you need to try and turn your opening lines into something a bit more exciting with the use of some images and or metaphors.
I have had a play with your first stanza to offer some examples of what i mean.
Ok so I just meant to offer an idea of what you might choose to do to develop your poem. (I'm not suggesting that this is great of finished) I think in layers so here I was thinking that it might be fun to develop the idea of introducing the colour blue into each stanza with a different shade to represent the different sky hues....and I appear to have ended up with a bird / nature thing going on so there is a possibility of developing this as well. ...or perhaps there is some milage in the idea of radiator on speed! Originally i was thinking speed dial but then the line needed trimming and i decided that this could become a metaphor through the poem for the blood in people / the process of aging ( young it runs fast and easily is induced to get high... sluggish and bored as we age)...so the poem becomes more about the seasons of life.
But this is your poem. You decide where you want it to take you.
have fun.
All the best AJ.
Firstly welcome to the site.
You have given us, is what i would think of as a great poem starter. I will try and explain what i mean. Your subject chosen, you have then laid out the sequence of events that you want to cover and organised them into sub groups, but in terms of offering the reader poetic delight it is somewhat limited at this stage. You have some nice end rhyming couplets but you have not offered any images for the reader to get drawn into your picture.
Please do not be discouraged by these comments. Think of this as just a stage or process of your poem's development. You have posted in exactly the right place to be offered a wealth of advise and thoughts on how you might improve your poem. Take your time with your edit. Wait for a few comments to be offered and see where this takes you.
My thought is that you need to try and turn your opening lines into something a bit more exciting with the use of some images and or metaphors.
I have had a play with your first stanza to offer some examples of what i mean.
(08-29-2013, 02:17 PM)ChimeInTheWind Wrote: The year starts off, it's icy cold.
Radiators on, warm-weather joys on hold.
The air gets colder, the water freezes.
The wind blows by, in frosty breezes.
Airline tickets, from the printer.
A chilly time that we call winter.
[b]Glacial blue, wind blown icy cold.
Radiators on speed, to keep the chill on hold.
A crisp cut breeze. A bird in the bath freezes.
The breath of death blows where it pleases
and cancels the airline tickets on the printer.
No swift migrations in this time called winter.
Ok so I just meant to offer an idea of what you might choose to do to develop your poem. (I'm not suggesting that this is great of finished) I think in layers so here I was thinking that it might be fun to develop the idea of introducing the colour blue into each stanza with a different shade to represent the different sky hues....and I appear to have ended up with a bird / nature thing going on so there is a possibility of developing this as well. ...or perhaps there is some milage in the idea of radiator on speed! Originally i was thinking speed dial but then the line needed trimming and i decided that this could become a metaphor through the poem for the blood in people / the process of aging ( young it runs fast and easily is induced to get high... sluggish and bored as we age)...so the poem becomes more about the seasons of life.
But this is your poem. You decide where you want it to take you.
have fun.
All the best AJ.