Blinded by the Night edit 2. btrudo,Christophersea, milo

[milo]

Right now I don't think this is better. This leads me to believe that you need to put this away for a while and then come back to it.

edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
a golden glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
glimmer I can handle...golden glimmer is too much
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together
after sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
Scarifies is one of your pet words. It appeared in your other poem. We writers all have a few, but those words start losing power when we use them too much. It's a bit easier to get away with when they are commonly used words but scarifies isn't.
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more to know you than I used to do.
this line is hard for me to read now. Since it's a bit longer, some of the decisiveness that I liked in the original line is missing.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
we old lovers doesn't seem right
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
correct usage is brightly...you can use bright, but this does shade the meaning. For me, rage brightly the 'bright' is throughout the sense of time. rage bright, the 'bright' feels more like the result, the destination to arrive at.
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.
This ending reads somewhat expectedly, kinda like a recording where the music fades out at the end.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013

Hi bt,
Yes, there is wisdom in what you say. I swing with the monkeys in the workshopping forum.
I keep my original original on file. I may revert to it one day.
You are wrong, though, on the scarify thing. This is only the second time I have used it in print in 50 years, though it is part of my spoken lexicon. I guess the chances of the bon mot appearing twice in half a century is not outside the odds! I use "the" quite a lot
Brightly is rightly. Noted.
Best,
tectak
[/quote]

brightly is not necessarily correct - rage in this case is what is called a linking verb - essentially a glorified form of the verb "to be".

the fire burned red
the sun shone yellow
etc . . .