Blinded by the Night edit 2. btrudo,Christophersea, milo

[tectak]

It's a pretty good view through my telescope. Nice to see a love poem, you old dog! Here are my first impressions:
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen; Keen? (not cool) eager/ardent? you know something else
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you. I like this
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun; ‘in the sun’
remember how we named the distant, dying globes? Nice!
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there ‘my name’ sounds off
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart. Do you need ‘living’?
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword. A lot of commas/for pause?
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own. Even I smiled!

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages; is there a better word for faded?
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs, sp ‘abraded’
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. ‘never-ending’ (avoids the not-never oddity) I like ‘phial’ Brit for vial!
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did. sounds odd ‘I touch you to know you more than I did’
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers, fade another ‘fade’
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace-- ‘spaced embrace’
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight. Do you need ‘all’
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

Tec, I know that title is a play on blinded by the light, but it summons up that Manfred Mann tune with ‘wrapped up like a douche’ in it! Cheers/Chris

Hi CS,
As always, exceedingly competent crit. You make some excellent catches...abraded is a howler...yikes!
All valid in varying degrees and so will be assimilated in due course.
I touch you more to know you. (than I did before I could not see you clearly) was the idea. Braille contact!
...and I did like bbtl, Manfred Mann...though it was rubbish
Btw, that second fade is nothing to do with me. It is not in my original
Very best,
tectak

My pleasure T! I faded that second fade away

BTW, those BBTL lyrics are one of the most misunderstood lyrics in rock history. Bruce Springstein wrote them as 'revved up like a duce' but sang them with a lisp, sounding like 'wrapped up like a douche'. Is wasn't a popular song for him. When Manfred Mann covered the song, they sang the line wrong on purpose and made millions! I'm a 'Quin the Eskimo' fan myself!!

We once and for years ran a contest trying to determine exactly what the lyrics were! When we found out it was no clearer as we were all much to old to own up to understanding them.The duce/douche was the problem.

---

Very measured, sounds good
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
'dying' is true for the stars, but the scale is so different than the dying in this poem that it leaves me at the question...nothing wrong with that. This line introduces the name, which is carried throughout the rest of the stanza. Name brings to mind the claiming of the surroundings. You establish dominion by naming.not when playing games....but point taken in general
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
The 'by my name' loses me. If I think, I would say marriage, but at the same time, the moment here seems earlier, younger than that.I will change it to "For you, my Aphrodite, I pinned your given name" anbd adjust accordingly in the edit
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
appellation is demarcated region, though interesting enough, it has an old archaic meaning of 'the act of calling by a name'. This is apt.
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.
Here the process of naming stops. Yes, names appear, but the claiming of experience stops. Yes. We are now fixed in a kind of stasis...the plateau years

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
cataracts come to mind, but that's not faded, more like clouded. 'pulled' is also word that I think you can find a better choice.Hoping here to imply pulling as a stretching and thinning of sight...reduced visual angle to boot. Failed perchance
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
never-ending seems to be more accepted spelling now.Good catch
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
Not sure about this line. It really might be carry more weight than all the other lines, because it is direct without needless jewelry. In many ways, this is the most real moment in the poem, but then it seems lost in the remainder of the poem.Maybe " I touch you now to know you, more than I used to do"
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
but narrator has shown it doesn't 'burn above forever', so I'm not so sure of this."We chose the suns we hoped would burn forever; not..."
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.
This might have the right meaning, though this may be resolving too much to that 'whole note'...too clean?

I do think the 'naming' has been established as more important than the 'seeing', but then again, the poem does lose sight of what it had done in the previous stanza. So perhaps, I'd like to find the narrator as actually 'seeing'.

Of course, I probably shouldn't be surprised, given the title, though the blinding isn't from the night.

Thanks for this.
CS picked up on most points but I[/b] will adjust to suit.
Best,
tectak