Blinded by the Night edit 2. btrudo,Christophersea, milo

[tectak]

It's a pretty good view through my telescope. Nice to see a love poem, you old dog! Here are my first impressions:
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen; Keen? (not cool) eager/ardent? you know something else
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you. I like this
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun; ‘in the sun’
remember how we named the distant, dying globes? Nice!
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there ‘my name’ sounds off
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart. Do you need ‘living’?
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword. A lot of commas/for pause?
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own. Even I smiled!

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages; is there a better word for faded?
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs, sp ‘abraded’
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. ‘never-ending’ (avoids the not-never oddity) I like ‘phial’ Brit for vial!
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did. sounds odd ‘I touch you to know you more than I did’
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers, fade another ‘fade’
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace-- ‘spaced embrace’
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight. Do you need ‘all’
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

Tec, I know that title is a play on blinded by the light, but it summons up that Manfred Mann tune with ‘wrapped up like a douche’ in it! Cheers/Chris

Hi CS,
As always, exceedingly competent crit. You make some excellent catches...abraded is a howler...yikes!
All valid in varying degrees and so will be assimilated in due course.
I touch you more to know you. (than I did before I could not see you clearly) was the idea. Braille contact!
...and I did like bbtl, Manfred Mann...though it was rubbish
Btw, that second fade is nothing to do with me. It is not in my original
Very best,
tectak