08-28-2013, 12:03 AM
Very measured, sounds good
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
'dying' is true for the stars, but the scale is so different than the dying in this poem that it leaves me at the question...nothing wrong with that. This line introduces the name, which is carried throughout the rest of the stanza. Name brings to mind the claiming of the surroundings. You establish dominion by naming.
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
The 'by my name' loses me. If I think, I would say marriage, but at the same time, the moment here seems earlier, younger than that.
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
appellation is demarcated region, though interesting enough, it has an old archaic meaning of 'the act of calling by a name'. This is apt.
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.
Here the process of naming stops. Yes, names appear, but the claiming of experience stops.
Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
cataracts come to mind, but that's not faded, more like clouded. 'pulled' is also word that I think you can find a better choice.
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
never-ending seems to be more accepted spelling now.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
Not sure about this line. It really might be carry more weight than all the other lines, because it is direct without needless jewelry. In many ways, this is the most real moment in the poem, but then it seems lost in the remainder of the poem.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
but narrator has shown it doesn't 'burn above forever', so I'm not so sure of this.
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would see again the sky.
This might have the right meaning, though this may be resolving too much to that 'whole note'...too clean?
I do think the 'naming' has been established as more important than the 'seeing', but then again, the poem does lose sight of what it had done in the previous stanza. So perhaps, I'd like to find the narrator as actually 'seeing'.
Of course, I probably shouldn't be surprised, given the title, though the blinding isn't from the night.
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
'dying' is true for the stars, but the scale is so different than the dying in this poem that it leaves me at the question...nothing wrong with that. This line introduces the name, which is carried throughout the rest of the stanza. Name brings to mind the claiming of the surroundings. You establish dominion by naming.
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
The 'by my name' loses me. If I think, I would say marriage, but at the same time, the moment here seems earlier, younger than that.
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
appellation is demarcated region, though interesting enough, it has an old archaic meaning of 'the act of calling by a name'. This is apt.
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.
Here the process of naming stops. Yes, names appear, but the claiming of experience stops.
Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
cataracts come to mind, but that's not faded, more like clouded. 'pulled' is also word that I think you can find a better choice.
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
never-ending seems to be more accepted spelling now.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
Not sure about this line. It really might be carry more weight than all the other lines, because it is direct without needless jewelry. In many ways, this is the most real moment in the poem, but then it seems lost in the remainder of the poem.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
but narrator has shown it doesn't 'burn above forever', so I'm not so sure of this.
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would see again the sky.
This might have the right meaning, though this may be resolving too much to that 'whole note'...too clean?
I do think the 'naming' has been established as more important than the 'seeing', but then again, the poem does lose sight of what it had done in the previous stanza. So perhaps, I'd like to find the narrator as actually 'seeing'.
Of course, I probably shouldn't be surprised, given the title, though the blinding isn't from the night.