'Neath Golden Flames

[billy]

First, I apologize if I came off as being discourteous. I'm still not sure of the etiquette on this forum nor how much feedback I should expect in mild crit, if any at all. There is no point to the capitalization, purely pleasing to my eyes, and I wrongly assumed it is pleasing to yours. I'll see how it looks without all the caps. I didn't feel much punctuation was needed, so that's why I did that. I'm still not sure what is expected of poetry here, but it seems more rigid than other forums. That is in no way intended as a slight to this forum, just an observation. As for the 5-8 years comment, very funny.

Thanks for your thoughts,

Daniel

off topic.

great to see you accepting advice after having a rant

expect as much feedback as people give you, it's us the reader that expect...we expect an attempt by the poet to edit as best they can (within their skill set) and we realise or expect edits not to be as sweeping or as thorough as those who edit in the serious forum.
i suppose on the three feedback forums there is a rigidity, if there weren't we'd be like all the other ego building sites out there that you turned yourself around re feedback makes me think and hope you'll stay the course :J:

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lots of feedback allready given so i won't dwell on those.
thinks like
rippling flesh, gleaming light and winter sky are cliche. it seems to be a song lyric and while these can be choc full of cliche poetry shouldn't be.

it has a feel of thor about it. instead of intangible words like despair, unholy depths, and more, use a great big image.. snot hanging like silly putty from your nose. make it stand out.

'Neath golden flames, bronzen shields clash;
Blood flows as rivers, pierced rippling flesh
Armors bathed in gleaming light
Embrace the Winter sky

Journey vast, journey well;
Conquer all with sword and spell

On passage up high, leaving earthly realms behind
Cosmic planes await free from time
To see what is real, remove the human veil
Worlds of light and dark together as one

Journey vast journey well
From unholy depths to glorious Valhall

Luminous...
Withering shards of despair
Enlightened by pulsing beams of life make things clear, what does this particular despair mean? what are pulsing beams of life?(making things clear isn't always the way to go but it is here) gives the reader something solid

'Neath golden flames all are unmasked 'Neath feels forced, here and above
Thought pours as rivers, from a chalice passed
Behold the truth what truth?
Take hold of your mind how?