08-27-2013, 05:44 AM
Daniel, you have made some very good critiques on the site and it will be recognized and appreciated! Just hang in there. At the same time, you have admitted that you are just beginning to write poetry, so others should be more patient with you. However, if you heed the critiques, folks will want to help you further. All caps and no punctuation can be annoying. Nonetheless, some good poets can get away with it. Show you can use them, before you lose them, I say. 
I did read this as a Viking-like death song. I don't know if it will aid the song, but some editing will help the poetry. Some word choices and phrasing are odd, so start editing:
Beneath the gold flames, our bronze shields clash.
Blood flows like a river through pierced flesh.
The armor of the dead is dappled in fading light,
as they embrace the winter sky...
You get the drift
, not this per say, but something like it so folks can begin to work with you.
I did read this as a Viking-like death song. I don't know if it will aid the song, but some editing will help the poetry. Some word choices and phrasing are odd, so start editing:Beneath the gold flames, our bronze shields clash.
Blood flows like a river through pierced flesh.
The armor of the dead is dappled in fading light,
as they embrace the winter sky...
You get the drift
, not this per say, but something like it so folks can begin to work with you.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris