08-26-2013, 11:11 PM
Slivers of Time
I'm not so sure I'm crazy about using slivers, but I'm not so sure that something else would be better
In just half the time it takes to blink
or glance at a shooting star,
in the instant between one second and the next
my mind can wander far …
The times are good, but I'm not so sure about the progression, but it doesn't probably matter much. Drop the ... and the last line is fine.
and wide in inexplicable directions,
for reasons often imperceptible or oblique
only to return in that fraction of a second
to the present (until my next retreat).
Vanishing on the notion of a restless brain’s whim
to far-off destinations in but a sliver of time,
not sure about far-off destinations
then back before it is evident
there occurred a vacancy of my mind.
A spontaneous smile might be a tell-tale sign
that I slipped away then returned
between two words in a sentence,
before an absence was suspected or discerned.
But as age becomes a credential
that curries favor of privilege or price
I seem to linger and stretch the slivers
because the excursions engender such delight
I miss you my son, my Daddy’s Boy;
competitor who swam in lane 2.
So much so that even amidst life’s unending bustle
each day I spend many moments with you.
The semi-colon throws me. Is the son the swimmer? The basic concept of the poem is really good. It's also good timing to introduce the son in the final stanza; it adds poignancy because he wasn't mentioned earlier.
Could some of the lines be improved? Probably.
No matter what you do, you have something here.
I'm not so sure I'm crazy about using slivers, but I'm not so sure that something else would be better
In just half the time it takes to blink
or glance at a shooting star,
in the instant between one second and the next
my mind can wander far …
The times are good, but I'm not so sure about the progression, but it doesn't probably matter much. Drop the ... and the last line is fine.
and wide in inexplicable directions,
for reasons often imperceptible or oblique
only to return in that fraction of a second
to the present (until my next retreat).
Vanishing on the notion of a restless brain’s whim
to far-off destinations in but a sliver of time,
not sure about far-off destinations
then back before it is evident
there occurred a vacancy of my mind.
A spontaneous smile might be a tell-tale sign
that I slipped away then returned
between two words in a sentence,
before an absence was suspected or discerned.
But as age becomes a credential
that curries favor of privilege or price
I seem to linger and stretch the slivers
because the excursions engender such delight
I miss you my son, my Daddy’s Boy;
competitor who swam in lane 2.
So much so that even amidst life’s unending bustle
each day I spend many moments with you.
The semi-colon throws me. Is the son the swimmer? The basic concept of the poem is really good. It's also good timing to introduce the son in the final stanza; it adds poignancy because he wasn't mentioned earlier.
Could some of the lines be improved? Probably.
No matter what you do, you have something here.