And Then I Look Away (edit 1)

[tectak]

nearly everyone lives a mundane life, innit.

You know that film with Micheal Douglas? Falling down? You watched that and then you wrote this, yeah?

This is interesting commentary but not really up to the standards of serious critique. Please try to elaborate what you think works/doesn't work using specifics from the poem

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ok, sorry about that ;o)

Please delete me, thanks.

I hope you don't walk out the door. Poetry benefits when many different people actually speak and not just tired, overly trained voices. Having said that, I do think you could elaborate, in your own words, on the strengths and weaknesses.

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I have become caught in traffic.
This is awkwardly stated, as others have pointed out.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so.Also awkwardly stated But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, I like the theme of linearity, confinement, and tedium this evokes.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
I feel you here, it is the tragedy of a life wasted. I would reword this as "Survival demands the paycheck, the paycheck demands the hour, the hour demands our lives." feel free to use it or a variation (is that assuming too much of my abilities?)
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set "Pair" would be infinitely better here
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. I deeply admire this sentiment. Take out the first "something", it will help the flow. I too have those sondering moments

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Reading this, I find myself asking "What are we shielding ourselves from in our safety first society?" (I'm in the US, but in this globalized world does it really matter?). "I catch a set of eyes sealed in their own world." What a great line this is. Life is becoming more and more stratified. Added to the fact that our social networks are moving increasingly to the virtual world. There are pros and cons to "modernity," but as a species we are still working this civilization thing out. Many questions raised in this piece and I thank you for sharing.

Thanks for the comments and thoughtful questions.
This is less about society and more about the narrator, or at least, that's my reading of this.

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Since this is supposed to be a workshop. I'm going to chime in, though I've already chimed in more than I would in a in-person workshop.

And Then I Look Away
title is meant to complete last line

I have become caught in traffic.
This literally is the correct use of present-perfect tense. This is meant to show that the narrator at one point wasn't caught in traffic. Other than it being present perfect, which might not be used much, I don't see what the problem is. The little morphing into a traffic monster could certainly fit.
It's seven-thirty and I know
I chose a syllable count. The form seemed to fit the material. There are three lines that don't fit the count, and yes, the poem and I talked about this. The deviations are trying to back the meaning, though it certainly is not clear that all of the meaning is coming through.
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
The overlap of staring and forcing is intentional. Also the use of -ings is intentional. I consider this to be a narrator-focused piece and the poem is trying to stake some psychological/motivational territory. Considering that the narrator is a 'driver' stuck in traffic, I would think this piece tries to offer more here.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
This is a little riff section. Of course, some of the words could be interchanged. I'm very much a show-don't-tell writer. These are the connections that the narrator is making. The isolation of modern society is at play here, but I would think the poem is hoping for another connection that sheds some light on the narrator.
a face trapped behind the windshield,
'a face' was intentional. Yes, I am playing a little loose with the grammatical constructio
n, but I did want the overlap of sit and face.
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
While I often alliterate very easily, the alliteration would seem to be driving how fuzzy this becomes. Set/pair...set entirely works in terms of meaning, not so sure why everyone is quickly wants to change it to 'pair'
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.
Of course, words are subject to change. Why else would I bother posting in a workshop. At some point, the two 'sometimes' and 'catch' likely will go.

I do appreciate the time people have spent reading this and commenting. At some point, I may post a revision, though I won't guarantee that will happen in a timely fashion. If you have more comments, please add some.

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Only one comment. Please do not post ANY of your efforts is the workshopping forum if you accept no critique and have no intention of workshopping.
mod.