08-26-2013, 08:04 PM
Hi 
I think the ellipses (...) is unnecessary after the first stanza, it made me make an awkward pause in reading. The line break is enough alone.
Also the brackets around "until my next retreat" seem unnecessary too. A comma to separate the clauses would be enough.
And finally I might like to hear more about the son. He is obviously what the poem is all about so it would be nice as a reader to have him in mind for more of the poem.
I really like the lines "that I slipped away then returned/ between two words in a sentence,"
I think the ellipses (...) is unnecessary after the first stanza, it made me make an awkward pause in reading. The line break is enough alone.
Also the brackets around "until my next retreat" seem unnecessary too. A comma to separate the clauses would be enough.
And finally I might like to hear more about the son. He is obviously what the poem is all about so it would be nice as a reader to have him in mind for more of the poem.
I really like the lines "that I slipped away then returned/ between two words in a sentence,"