08-26-2013, 08:06 AM
I have become caught in traffic.
This is awkwardly stated, as others have pointed out.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so.Also awkwardly stated But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, I like the theme of linearity, confinement, and tedium this evokes.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
I feel you here, it is the tragedy of a life wasted. I would reword this as "Survival demands the paycheck, the paycheck demands the hour, the hour demands our lives." feel free to use it or a variation (is that assuming too much of my abilities?)
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set "Pair" would be infinitely better here
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. I deeply admire this sentiment. Take out the first "something", it will help the flow. I too have those sondering moments
-----------------------------
Reading this, I find myself asking "What are we shielding ourselves from in our safety first society?" (I'm in the US, but in this globalized world does it really matter?). "I catch a set of eyes sealed in their own world." What a great line this is. Life is becoming more and more stratified. Added to the fact that our social networks are moving increasingly to the virtual world. There are pros and cons to "modernity," but as a species we are still working this civilization thing out. Many questions raised in this piece and I thank you for sharing.
-Daniel
This is awkwardly stated, as others have pointed out.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so.Also awkwardly stated But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, I like the theme of linearity, confinement, and tedium this evokes.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
I feel you here, it is the tragedy of a life wasted. I would reword this as "Survival demands the paycheck, the paycheck demands the hour, the hour demands our lives." feel free to use it or a variation (is that assuming too much of my abilities?)
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set "Pair" would be infinitely better here
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. I deeply admire this sentiment. Take out the first "something", it will help the flow. I too have those sondering moments
-----------------------------
Reading this, I find myself asking "What are we shielding ourselves from in our safety first society?" (I'm in the US, but in this globalized world does it really matter?). "I catch a set of eyes sealed in their own world." What a great line this is. Life is becoming more and more stratified. Added to the fact that our social networks are moving increasingly to the virtual world. There are pros and cons to "modernity," but as a species we are still working this civilization thing out. Many questions raised in this piece and I thank you for sharing.
-Daniel