08-26-2013, 06:51 AM
Edited Version:
-Stormfront-
From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins
nice line
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.
Their summits are crowned with runaway light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.
Dark passions run out rushing over the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.
Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed by their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.
There is a reason not to rhyme in pairs like you do here. The end should have the couplet rhyme so that it gives the poem a note of finality. Not that the 'rule' has to be followed, but it seems that this poem would want to have that note. I really would suggest trying a ABBA or ABAB type rhyme initially.
Though that being said, I do like the clouds as mountains, so I enjoyed the first two stanzas, but the poem seems to run out of steam a bit, particularly the ending couplet.
Original Version:
-Stormfront-
From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.
Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.
Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.
Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.
[/quote]
Edited Version:
-Stormfront-
From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins.
Great shadowed, phantom mountains rise
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.
Pretty easy to get the rhyme scheme in this stanza. Second stanza is not as easy.
For the last 2 stanzas, you might want to pick an idea or two from what you have and try a fresh attempt at writing the stanzas.
-Stormfront-
From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins
nice line
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.
Their summits are crowned with runaway light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.
Dark passions run out rushing over the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.
Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed by their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.
There is a reason not to rhyme in pairs like you do here. The end should have the couplet rhyme so that it gives the poem a note of finality. Not that the 'rule' has to be followed, but it seems that this poem would want to have that note. I really would suggest trying a ABBA or ABAB type rhyme initially.
Though that being said, I do like the clouds as mountains, so I enjoyed the first two stanzas, but the poem seems to run out of steam a bit, particularly the ending couplet.
Original Version:
-Stormfront-
From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.
Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.
Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.
Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.
[/quote]
Edited Version:
-Stormfront-
From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins.
Great shadowed, phantom mountains rise
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.
Pretty easy to get the rhyme scheme in this stanza. Second stanza is not as easy.
For the last 2 stanzas, you might want to pick an idea or two from what you have and try a fresh attempt at writing the stanzas.