The Addiction Epidemic

[metalfan91]

Drugs of pleasure are an escape from earth.

Living in a place known as imaginary paradise.

Once addicts come back to the world and reality,
The toleration of life is torturous.

Craving drugs as if they need food to satisfy an appetite.

Betrayal is being committed to support the habit of vileness.

Desperation leads to a life of crime for artificial gratification.

Recovery only occurs when the spirit is broken,
Willing to travel the rough journey to genuine happiness.

An earlier post beat me to it, I was going to use the "Craving drugs..." line as an example of what you did wrong, although any line could do.

This seems like a precursor to the actual poem. What you have here are its thematic elements. There's no strong metaphor in this, just a succession of informational statements.

You can incorporate these themes of craving, betrayal, desperation, and recovery in a much broader way.

You say "Desperation leads to a life of crime for artificial gratification." Indeed it does, but how and why, and what visuals, situations, sensations can you attribute to this or juxtapose with each other.

Good luck with this,

Daniel