08-24-2013, 07:28 AM
maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...
Good man!
I see no meter and so I shan't look for it but i will read it out loud a few times to see if there is a Ginsbergian flow
No. There is not. So, where to improve?:
simple syllable count
Well, "have become" is over-egging "am". I am stuck in traffic. This is terse-verse so everything must say something and nothing must say nothing at all. With that in mind:
try present perfect
And Then I Look Away
I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know Take your parteners for and Iamb and Trochee waltz, or spondee the way I read it. I don't normally worry too much about these technicalities but we are gavotting here. The flow is not instinctive and I feel hurried then slowed. The next line enjambment increase the discomfort.
good...seriously I would think this poem wants to do some of those things
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,"so much so" is not even so-so. I admire your bravado as I get the feeling this was a deliberate crit-trap!You will do it again later with "wheels and shields". I do not like the blatant cleverness, but some might so be happy
wheels and shields...I really am literally talking about being stuck in traffic--this is not trying to be clever, though I don't have much clue about what is the cleverness to which you refer
forcing the car between the lines,The "staring" and the "forcing" are disconnected. The comma links the two dissimilar activities in no known way. After the "so much so", try a full stop then a statemental "I keep on staring." You are then in the clear. " I force the car between the lines ...". Your poem.
maybe it's a new way, I don't know, but I hope it does lead to some meaning
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,Huge disconnect. I sit, a face???? No to this. Needs looking at.
Really was it that hard to read? I'm not joking. I legitimately want to know. Grammar should exist to help clarify. You don't have to follow grammar, but if the meaning really is lost, then I need to rewrite...face simply refers to I
caught among all these wheels and all "all these" and "all these" is not clever enough wordplay to get in the dubiously double entendre of the "shields" pun, if that is what you were aiming for.
the pun must have been lost on me
these shields. And sometimes I catch a setPair?
thought about pair, but as of right now, I don't have a compelling reason to change it
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.Hmmm. The end?
Thanks for the comments.
[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='137311' dateline='1377276130']
I like the piece and it worked for me, particularly when I read it more slowly a second time, as it had an almost treadmilling flow consistent with the theme. The poem captured the monotony and insipidness of the daily routine and life, especially with these effective strings: so/much/so and lines/life/paycheck/paycheck/hour/hour/sit and all these wheels/all these shields. The latter pairing plays to the sense of isolation from others in their own futile cycles, with windshield-shields echoing the same. Finally, the closing line was poignant for me. Sometimes they also catch mine, as if it is not acceptable or what would one do about in anyway. (Do I relate to this because I am closer to retirement that I think I am?) As for edits, something akin to holding or maintaining might be better than forcing in line 5. You could change a face to my or with face to avoid that sitting on your face implication in line 9. I will swing by again for another look and comment further if I can. Welcome to the site!/Chris
[/quote]
Thanks for the comments. Looks like "I sit,/a face" is causing problems. Needlessly? I'll have to ponder it.
If you have more comments, fire away.
[quote='Leanne' pid='137313' dateline='1377282762']
[quote='btrudo' pid='137305' dateline='1377264156']
I have become caught in traffic. -- this is such an odd phrasing that I'm actually starting off the poem with the image of a man morphed with a traffic jam in some ungodly caughtintraffic monster -- I haven't yet decided whether I like that or not
not what I saw, though ungodly caughtintraffic monster might be appropriate
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be -- "half an hour" is rather less forced than "a half-hour" -- not just because it's a dialect thing, I'm really only considering the sounds in this case -- also, breaking on "be" does you no favours as it causes the rhyme of "know/so" to be almost entirely buried, which is a shame
I'll ponder the half an hour. I'm inclined to bury the rhyme inline anyways
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, -- I am not prejudiced against -ings
... I just don't think that two so close together are helpful in this case
Being prejudiced against -ings is a very good thing when you consider that they're needlessly overused. They also tend to create very weak constructions. I'll talk to the poem and we'll talk it out.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour -- rhythm might be improved by removing "pay" here
I'll have to ponder, though a slow read through here might be appropriate
and the hour demands that I sit, -- is "that" necessary?
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all -- reappearance of "caught" might not be the best word choice in such a short poem, especially with "catch" in the next line -- I'd be tempted to leave it here but change the first line
I do have to perform a cost/benefit analysis on the repetitions.
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. -- you could consider breaking after "sometimes" if it's not too gimmicky, or putting "sometimes" up on the preceding line
I have to watch the "sometimes".
Thanks for the comments.
maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...
And Then I Look Away
I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.
nearly everyone lives a mundane life, innit.
You know that film with Micheal Douglas? Falling down? You watched that and then you wrote this, yeah?
Mundane meaning earthly or everyday?
Not so sure the movie matches well with the title of this.
Thanks for the comments.
Good man!
I see no meter and so I shan't look for it but i will read it out loud a few times to see if there is a Ginsbergian flow
No. There is not. So, where to improve?:
simple syllable count
Well, "have become" is over-egging "am". I am stuck in traffic. This is terse-verse so everything must say something and nothing must say nothing at all. With that in mind:
try present perfect
And Then I Look Away
I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know Take your parteners for and Iamb and Trochee waltz, or spondee the way I read it. I don't normally worry too much about these technicalities but we are gavotting here. The flow is not instinctive and I feel hurried then slowed. The next line enjambment increase the discomfort.
good...seriously I would think this poem wants to do some of those things
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,"so much so" is not even so-so. I admire your bravado as I get the feeling this was a deliberate crit-trap!You will do it again later with "wheels and shields". I do not like the blatant cleverness, but some might so be happy
wheels and shields...I really am literally talking about being stuck in traffic--this is not trying to be clever, though I don't have much clue about what is the cleverness to which you refer
forcing the car between the lines,The "staring" and the "forcing" are disconnected. The comma links the two dissimilar activities in no known way. After the "so much so", try a full stop then a statemental "I keep on staring." You are then in the clear. " I force the car between the lines ...". Your poem.
maybe it's a new way, I don't know, but I hope it does lead to some meaning
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,Huge disconnect. I sit, a face???? No to this. Needs looking at.
Really was it that hard to read? I'm not joking. I legitimately want to know. Grammar should exist to help clarify. You don't have to follow grammar, but if the meaning really is lost, then I need to rewrite...face simply refers to I
caught among all these wheels and all "all these" and "all these" is not clever enough wordplay to get in the dubiously double entendre of the "shields" pun, if that is what you were aiming for.
the pun must have been lost on me
these shields. And sometimes I catch a setPair?
thought about pair, but as of right now, I don't have a compelling reason to change it
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.Hmmm. The end?
Thanks for the comments.
[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='137311' dateline='1377276130']
I like the piece and it worked for me, particularly when I read it more slowly a second time, as it had an almost treadmilling flow consistent with the theme. The poem captured the monotony and insipidness of the daily routine and life, especially with these effective strings: so/much/so and lines/life/paycheck/paycheck/hour/hour/sit and all these wheels/all these shields. The latter pairing plays to the sense of isolation from others in their own futile cycles, with windshield-shields echoing the same. Finally, the closing line was poignant for me. Sometimes they also catch mine, as if it is not acceptable or what would one do about in anyway. (Do I relate to this because I am closer to retirement that I think I am?) As for edits, something akin to holding or maintaining might be better than forcing in line 5. You could change a face to my or with face to avoid that sitting on your face implication in line 9. I will swing by again for another look and comment further if I can. Welcome to the site!/Chris
[/quote]
Thanks for the comments. Looks like "I sit,/a face" is causing problems. Needlessly? I'll have to ponder it.
If you have more comments, fire away.
[quote='Leanne' pid='137313' dateline='1377282762']
[quote='btrudo' pid='137305' dateline='1377264156']
I have become caught in traffic. -- this is such an odd phrasing that I'm actually starting off the poem with the image of a man morphed with a traffic jam in some ungodly caughtintraffic monster -- I haven't yet decided whether I like that or not
not what I saw, though ungodly caughtintraffic monster might be appropriate
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be -- "half an hour" is rather less forced than "a half-hour" -- not just because it's a dialect thing, I'm really only considering the sounds in this case -- also, breaking on "be" does you no favours as it causes the rhyme of "know/so" to be almost entirely buried, which is a shame
I'll ponder the half an hour. I'm inclined to bury the rhyme inline anyways
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, -- I am not prejudiced against -ings
... I just don't think that two so close together are helpful in this case Being prejudiced against -ings is a very good thing when you consider that they're needlessly overused. They also tend to create very weak constructions. I'll talk to the poem and we'll talk it out.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour -- rhythm might be improved by removing "pay" here
I'll have to ponder, though a slow read through here might be appropriate
and the hour demands that I sit, -- is "that" necessary?
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all -- reappearance of "caught" might not be the best word choice in such a short poem, especially with "catch" in the next line -- I'd be tempted to leave it here but change the first line
I do have to perform a cost/benefit analysis on the repetitions.
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. -- you could consider breaking after "sometimes" if it's not too gimmicky, or putting "sometimes" up on the preceding line
I have to watch the "sometimes".
Thanks for the comments.
maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...
And Then I Look Away
I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.
nearly everyone lives a mundane life, innit.
You know that film with Micheal Douglas? Falling down? You watched that and then you wrote this, yeah?
Mundane meaning earthly or everyday?
Not so sure the movie matches well with the title of this.
Thanks for the comments.