And Then I Look Away (edit 1)

[tectak]

maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...
Good man!
I see no meter and so I shan't look for it but i will read it out loud a few times to see if there is a Ginsbergian flow
No. There is not. So, where to improve?
Well, "have become" is over-egging "am". I am stuck in traffic. This is terse-verse so everything must say something and nothing must say nothing at all. With that in mind:

And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know Take your parteners for and Iamb and Trochee waltz, or spondee the way I read it. I don't normally worry too much about these technicalities but we are gavotting here. The flow is not instinctive and I feel hurried then slowed. The next line enjambment increase the discomfort.
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,"so much so" is not even so-so. I admire your bravado as I get the feeling this was a deliberate crit-trap!You will do it again later with "wheels and shields". I do not like the blatant cleverness, but some might so be happy
forcing the car between the lines,The "staring" and the "forcing" are disconnected. The comma links the two dissimilar activities in no known way. After the "so much so", try a full stop then a statemental "I keep on staring." You are then in the clear. " I force the car between the lines ...". Your poem.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,Huge disconnect. I sit, a face???? No to this. Needs looking at.
caught among all these wheels and all "all these" and "all these" is not clever enough wordplay to get in the dubiously double entendre of the "shields" pun, if that is what you were aiming for.
these shields. And sometimes I catch a setPair?
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.Hmmm. The end?

Best I can do,
tectak.