08-23-2013, 09:04 PM
Welcome to California
There's a flight out of here,
to everything I've fought for.
There's nothing left for me here,
nothing worth craving.
Nothing worth its strain in emotion.
It's set, hardening like concrete.
it--antecedent? I'm not sure what has set, the decision?
My doubt is seeping through
and making it crack.
For this to work, the concrete has to be hardened, not hardening. More like this:
It's set, hardened like concrete,
though my doubt has already cracked
the foundation, flooding my resolve.
The rest of this is too talky. The only time I can handle excessive talkiness is if the piece is a perspective-driven monologue. This needs a lot more imagery and/or metaphor.
I didn't mean everything,
there's still you,
there's still everything I've wanted us to be.
I cannot give you everything,
as if you would accept.
Your pride is your downfall.
It brings out the best in you,
hurting me, I have to say.
There's nothing left for me here
if there's nothing more for you to say.
There's a flight out of here,
to everything I've fought for.
There's nothing left for me here,
nothing worth craving.
Nothing worth its strain in emotion.
It's set, hardening like concrete.
it--antecedent? I'm not sure what has set, the decision?
My doubt is seeping through
and making it crack.
For this to work, the concrete has to be hardened, not hardening. More like this:
It's set, hardened like concrete,
though my doubt has already cracked
the foundation, flooding my resolve.
The rest of this is too talky. The only time I can handle excessive talkiness is if the piece is a perspective-driven monologue. This needs a lot more imagery and/or metaphor.
I didn't mean everything,
there's still you,
there's still everything I've wanted us to be.
I cannot give you everything,
as if you would accept.
Your pride is your downfall.
It brings out the best in you,
hurting me, I have to say.
There's nothing left for me here
if there's nothing more for you to say.