08-23-2013, 04:21 PM
Hi Bunx,
There was plenty to like in this poem. You made a great start in terms of a pattern of the first line alliteration, which I quite enjoyed...but...somehow you lost or forgot the original plan and by the fouth stanza you are working on a different poem. (That now has a structure of alternate end rhymes...briefly practiced in the 2nd / 4th lines of the 3rd stanza) Consistancy is def an issue.
I thought the subject was a good one and some of the images used were simple and uncluttered which suited the title. Just the issue of consistancy but other wise a nice effort.
Thanks for the read AJ.
There was plenty to like in this poem. You made a great start in terms of a pattern of the first line alliteration, which I quite enjoyed...but...somehow you lost or forgot the original plan and by the fouth stanza you are working on a different poem. (That now has a structure of alternate end rhymes...briefly practiced in the 2nd / 4th lines of the 3rd stanza) Consistancy is def an issue.
I thought the subject was a good one and some of the images used were simple and uncluttered which suited the title. Just the issue of consistancy but other wise a nice effort.
Thanks for the read AJ.