"Stormfront" (a beginner's sonnet)

[alatos]

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smokey is debatable but sure, Smoky Mountains.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

---

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smoky is debatable but sure, Smoky Mountains.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

---

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smokey.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

Hahaha yeah wow, my bad on "begginers". Although I think "smoky" is a perfectly acceptable spelling. Maybe I'm wrong, though. I knew it wasn't conventional sonnet rhyme scheme... we learned all about that in school, but I liked it so I went with it I guess. And yeah, I kinda felt the same way about the "mountains into the sea" part. Obviously a biblical allusion, but I'm not very happy with it. It feels artificially deep to me, like alluding to something that isn't there. And I really don't like that, but I have no better ideas.