A fallen hero

[davinox]

Pick up my sword, bring it to me
Make me believe once more
I've lost all my faith
But I won't flee

Saddle my horse
Make me rise for the last time
I can grieve no longer
I have no remorse

Dawn is a forgotten thought in my head
Let me see the sun at this end of mine
I want to feel the last light's kiss
I can't see anymore what lies ahead

I've bled
and I've shed
too much blood
My soul is now partly mud
But I have no remorse
I'm prepared to die

I will be frank with you, the only line that stuck out to me was "My soul is now partly mud." All of the other lines were too simple and expository.

Not to say that poetry is simply the sum of several good lines. But poetry, as a whole, should have resonance beyond what it is merely stated. It's not enough to just say: Give me my sword. I'm bleeding. I'm about to die. But heck, I'm going to embrace it! I mean, why even write poetry at all; why not prose?

You also need to always punctuate your work. Poetry is not an excuse to punctuate whenever you feel like it.

My advice is to play around with more complicated thoughts and language that is less expository.