Poor Poem

[TheWall0912]

Revision

At the moment of birth
you move into focus I think these two lines could be a bit stronger, however they do provide a good transition to the next stanza.

my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air.
The intro provides a clear image

The cord is broken
blood sponged up
and wedding robes
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin. I'm not sure you need this stanza. I don't see how it adds to the poem, or even fits in really. You could do without it in my opinion.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul
and afterthoughts I like this line and the next.
just rot inside your skin.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud
count the mourners I like this line and the next as well. I'm not really sure you transitioned well though, what happened? I'm not seeing truly what this poem is about? A newborn baby? No, that's too obvious... but here you talk about death? I just feel like you jumped a bit, but it is written nicely. And of course, it could just be me not understanding.
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.

I’m already pregnant
once again. Powerful ending.

Definitely liked the Revision more than the original but I think it still needs a bit of work. Nice start, thanks for the read.