08-22-2013, 09:06 AM
Edit 2.00 milo.christophersea
He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed
perhaps one of the few comma use/non-use that I've learned in the past decade, restrictive "that" uses no comma
that quenched the animating fuse.
The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
sounds fine, but I see no evidence of "again" here
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new-sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...provided there is rain.
not so thrilled seeing the ... and then the last line
This sounds good overall, though the struggle of too much rain vs. not enough rain doesn't particularly grab me here. With that mind, the shortness of the piece might be undercutting its impact.
original
He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
and quenched the fuse of life.
The flood has gone; upon bare land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance.
Provided there is rain.
Tectak
Spring 2013
[/quote]
He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed
perhaps one of the few comma use/non-use that I've learned in the past decade, restrictive "that" uses no comma
that quenched the animating fuse.
The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
sounds fine, but I see no evidence of "again" here
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new-sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...provided there is rain.
not so thrilled seeing the ... and then the last line
This sounds good overall, though the struggle of too much rain vs. not enough rain doesn't particularly grab me here. With that mind, the shortness of the piece might be undercutting its impact.
original
He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
and quenched the fuse of life.
The flood has gone; upon bare land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance.
Provided there is rain.
Tectak
Spring 2013
[/quote]