Hand Me Down to die

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Christopher,

It's always interesting to approach a workshopped poem when it has passed through the gauntlet already. I doubt I'll have much to add at this point.

I loved the title. It was evocative. It played well with the idea of generations of family leaving parts of themselves in the field for that scarecrow. It fits with the idea of sowing and reaping and the inevitable passage of years. It placed me in the right frame of mind for the poem.

The line comments will be minor as I didn't see much I'd look to change (and those may be more stylistic choices than ones of substance).

final version

In Mom’s frayed wool pants,
I sweltered this summer.--Sweltered was nice personification. I like the added element of the scarecrow being uncomfortable
The red flannel shirt
from Dad was no better.

I’m dead-head to head
with bronzing sunflowers,--Bronzing is a wonderful word choice.
wearing my Grandpa’s--Like the generational element. The fact that its tattered but still a symbol of family and continuity
tattered Fedora.

With Harvest over,
starved hoarfrost nips harder.
Stiff neck's scarcely cloaked
by Sissy’s torn muffler.--Like the more affectionate term for sister to show connection and a sense of closeness

Pitied daylilies
when the bees droned their ears--One of my favorite lines. I love the phrasing, and again the personification
recalling abuse--This is a nice echo, a mirror of sorts, the cast off clothing is an echo of family for the scarecrow whereas pollination carries a harsher echo for the daylilies
through this lingering year:

Rabble of magpies--While I like the alliterative R, I was a bit put off by rabble of magpies. I hit a line phrased like this and I think murder of crows, unkindness of ravens, tiding of magpies (though magpies has some alternates I know)...minor point. No change really required, it just popped me out of the poem for a moment
pinched my fancy buttons.--pinched is such a great word here. As it implies theft and the actual physical act. You have a great economy to your words
Rowdy masked bandits
struck in veil of darkness.--This could just be me but in veil of darkness feels like it should be under veil of darkness. I realize that throws the line of somewhat, but the preposition feels off to me

Relentless sparrows,
harshly tore away threads,--I feel like there are too many modifiers in theses last two lines. Relentless and harshly specifically. I'd like to see the same economy you used with pinched. Maybe comparing the sparrows to sewing needles unmaking him. Not sure about that just thinking out loud, but losing the modifiers and showing them through the verbs would be what I'd consider doing
not seeking consent
before lining their nests.

Deer gnawed needlessly
at my hat made of hemp.--The fedora made of hemp is a nice addition
Voles carted away
the dry husks of my flesh.--This is so much more effective than the earlier sparrows or even deer line for its lack of modifiers. The line has a crisp sadness to it. One of my favorites

All faith in me lost,
with my chores forsaken,
yet everyone knew
that crows would not frighten.--I like the sonics and the ending. It feels complete.

le/bil/tru/tec final version 3.1 Thank you!

Not sure if any of that was helpful, but I hope it was. I enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

Yes, it is helpful indeed Todd! Much obliged for you reading my poem, taking the time to critique it and your excellent suggestions. I shall review the poem once again through your lens. Thank you so much!/Chris

Todd, what do you think of simply: Relentless sparrows tore away at my threads.