Saying Goodbye (first edit)

[fim]

A Difficult Farewell
Revision 1

Moisture collected below sky-blue eyes
that seemed to darken to slate gray,This is a complete sentence so full stop.Watch out for "seemed". It is misused often.
my mind swirling, sickened and groping, My mind was...
aware life would never be the same; This is complete sentence so full stop. "aware that life..."

joy would never be as abundant,
peace never as serene,
emptiness a new life-long companion,
hope relinquished only to dreams. A long sentence but with good behaviour it seems shorter.

Comfort was decimated by frantic anguish
in my final embrace with my son This is a complete sentence so full stop. Watch out for decimated...it means divided by ten. You may mean more.Destroyed?
the military would make the boy a mansemi colon to link to next line in a determined way
a transformation that can’t be undone.

My smile cracked then completely collapsed
as he turned and slipped out of sight;
as I listlessly lumbered toward the parking lotas as. Drop the second one. "as" here means chronologically concommitent...you do not need to "as" the tense you are in. It means nothing.
disturbing scenarios flittering through my mind: Just a full stop UNLESS you are going to list your imaginings....but you are not.

my feet were covered with mud and moss, Reality so no problem with recall...but watch out!
I’d wandered from the trail.
My eyes dart about for a familiar feature Bingo! Tense shift! My eyes DARTED!
desperately … but to no avail; You are suffering from colonic discharge! Full stop here. You are not looking where you are going....or where you have been

I glared at the batter with resolute disdain, Please, batsman...for me.Tempura fugit
ground the ball deep in a well-worn mitt,
elevated my arms as I twisted and kicked,
without a clue as to what I might pitch; full stop

I slid a stack of pricey chips
beyond the betting line
then gazed blankly at an elevated infinity
oblivious to the dance of the die; Good stanza, good cameo, good gestalt, good concept, good closure...so FULL STOP!

I radioed for takeoff clearance,
the tower released me to fly, This is a complete sentence so full stop
I pushed the power levers forward,
taking off without a flight plan on file.

I dropped you off at the airport,
got in the truck and headed home, Sheesh! a semi colon here as you carry the action into the next line.
unnerved by the realization … I like ellipses. They make two of us pause.Your character and me...but why here? You have had a "realization". Why pause?
that life's color seemed completely gone. How do you reconcile "seemed" and "completely". Choose one or the other. There are no degrees of "completely" so if it has gone completely it has gone...no doubt, it would seem

Hi fim,
Much improved. Not so much telepathy required. This is coming home to stay...just give it its own room.
Best,
tectak

tectak,
Man you are good!!! I really appreciate your time ... and expertise! I am going to ruminate on all of your insight before Rev. 2. There is a lot there for me to grasp. Thanks to you and others here @ TPP I am blossoming ... as a person and a poet. I think a lot of people in my life think I am getting weird. Maybe I am, though if that be the case, it is only because I am weird ... a weirdo poet. I can live with that.
fim

PS you must be British or something ... three times I changed "batter" to "hitter" ... but it doesn't work. I thought about using a baseball icon's name to avoid using "batter." Here in America most kids are indoctrinated into the culture of baseball at a young age. It might seem rude, but when a batter is in the batter's box and being pitched to ... we yell, "Hey batter, batter, batter!!!" as loud as we can to distract them from getting a hit.

I'll change it.

You have heard of Simon and Garfunkel?
When I publish my poems someday don't be surprised to hear that some are by "fim & tectak."
Thanks again,
fim