08-20-2013, 10:33 AM
(07-17-2013, 11:22 PM)tectak Wrote:Revision 1 for your consideration.(07-09-2013, 05:46 AM)tectak Wrote:Not "senses", meaning ALL senses.(07-09-2013, 02:51 AM)fim Wrote: Thank you tectak. I really appreciate your feedback. My take-aways: use punctuation!!!, look up "fungible"You are a good egg., don't argue with someone who took the time to thoroughly evaluate and provide extensive, cogent feedback that dullness absolutely obscures senses (the former boxer in me talking ... I think a sense of "dullness" precludes many knockouts), clichés and poetry don't seem to go together and those are just a result of brief consideration. Much more consideration is in order prior to Edit #1. I love "_Some like obscurity. I like intent to be obscure. This lacks the one and has the other in spades."
Great job!
fim
Thanks again
I look forward to your workshopping.
Best,
tectak
Obscure:
1.Keep from being seen; conceal.(Sense of sight...the normal meaning)
2.Make unclear and difficult to understand.(Sense of understanding...the poetic meaning)
Sense of touch? No
Sense of smell?No
Sense of hearing? No but could be stretched to include.
Temperature? No
So not " Dullness obscures my senses...."
but just maybe "Dullness declines my senses..."
OK?
Best,
tectak