08-19-2013, 05:57 AM
I see the 'idiot' and the tomboy as one, but I don't feel that the opening is needed, especially as recycled as it is. These lines are good:
The disapproving looks await me at home,
as my mother finds yet another dirt stain on my shirt.
So many afternoons spent under the blistering sun,
kneedeep in dirt, digging for treasure,
that's not there.
But: 'What can I say? I love to play.' weakens them.
I would remove the stand alone 'shame on me', use the first and last ones, but remove the two other intervening ones. Strike the 'x 1000' in the title. One facepalm works. All the best with your poetry!
The disapproving looks await me at home,
as my mother finds yet another dirt stain on my shirt.
So many afternoons spent under the blistering sun,
kneedeep in dirt, digging for treasure,
that's not there.
But: 'What can I say? I love to play.' weakens them.
I would remove the stand alone 'shame on me', use the first and last ones, but remove the two other intervening ones. Strike the 'x 1000' in the title. One facepalm works. All the best with your poetry!
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris