08-19-2013, 05:37 AM
I think to receive feedback you have to give it first. But I am in this same predicament. I know little of poetry, but I also realise the benefits of critique.
It feels like there are two stories here. One is about a tomboy, the other is one of love. While I can imagine that a more detailed version of the story you tell may lead to the other, there is no clear correlation between the two for the reader. Did the tomboy traits create the issues between the girl and boy?
Either make two stories, or bring unity between the two.
One starts…
I'm an idiot,
It's official.
… then continues from
A girl who met a boy,
Great use of repetition at the end, it creates a great impact.
It feels like there are two stories here. One is about a tomboy, the other is one of love. While I can imagine that a more detailed version of the story you tell may lead to the other, there is no clear correlation between the two for the reader. Did the tomboy traits create the issues between the girl and boy?
Either make two stories, or bring unity between the two.
One starts…
I'm an idiot,
It's official.
… then continues from
A girl who met a boy,
Great use of repetition at the end, it creates a great impact.