08-15-2013, 05:03 AM
The final lines of this gave me quite a chill, Chris. The crow metaphor, when done properly, is exceedingly powerful -- and this has been built very well indeed.
The first thing I noticed on reading was the strong meter. Though the syllables vary, there are two beats to each line and because I enjoy things like that, personally I'd love to see it smoothed over in a couple of places (the bits where I have some awkwardness are: "shabby straw Fedora", "Sissy's moth-worn muffler", "brusquely tore away threads" -- I can get them to fit the meter but they end up oddly stressed).
The overwhelming image I'm left with is a poor child as a scarecrow. It's harrowing.
The first thing I noticed on reading was the strong meter. Though the syllables vary, there are two beats to each line and because I enjoy things like that, personally I'd love to see it smoothed over in a couple of places (the bits where I have some awkwardness are: "shabby straw Fedora", "Sissy's moth-worn muffler", "brusquely tore away threads" -- I can get them to fit the meter but they end up oddly stressed).
The overwhelming image I'm left with is a poor child as a scarecrow. It's harrowing.
It could be worse