Poor Poem

[philoinlove]

At the moment of birth Put a comma after birth.
you move into focus. period.

my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air. This line reads awkwardly. Not sure but I think the last line is too wordy and throws the idea off balance.

The cord is broken
blood sponged up
and wedding robes
are coarsely cut. Very nice imagery, love this part.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul
and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin. This line is thought provoking.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud
count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.

I’m already pregnant
once again.


Original


At the moment of birth
you move into focus
my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air.

The cord is broke
and blood sponged up

the wedding robes
are coarsely cut.

Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin.

Every orifice is plugged.
You lack a soul

and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin.

Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud

count the mourners
bearing flowers.

You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump.
I’m already pregnant
once again.