More than Once upon a Hillock

[ChristopherSea]

Ha ha, right. Yes, that is a good idea and exercise. I will put this down for a day or so and then start on the present tense version. Again Milo, thank you for your time and help. It has been a fruitful venture for me!

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Hi there, christopher,
just a quick drive-by as the revisions seen to be coming along nicely, and Milo seems to have /most/ of it covered.



Apollo rode the lesser azimuths,
his chariot streaming hues.

Drop hues, or describe the hues. his chariot streaming is stronger than his chariot streaming hues. Hues is just weakening the verb here. It reads like his chariot streaming colors. Bleh.

We were scions of Demeter,

I think this would be stronger with the definite article in place of were:

We, The Scions of Demeter

Then you could also drop the gerund, and strengthen the verb in the following line:

negotiated leaf veins


as if each were a wing of one crow

or twin larvae sharing a chrysalis,

Are /each/ a pair of twins, or a half of the /pair/?:

or larvae twins sharing a..



as we derided honking geese

In all these generations of poetry, have we not yet found a /new/ way to say /honking/ geese?

that wing in obligatory echelons,

Obligatory serves no purpose but to force me to choke on my tongue.

Great job revising so far.

TrueE, thank you very much. Those are all reasonable suggestions and I will run through them all for my next edit over the next few days. Agreed, Milo had me marching to his drummer and I was gasping fo air for a while. I appreciate and respect every one's suggestions.

Incorporated almost all of you points now TruE, yea!