More than Once upon a Hillock

[milo]

just a couple quick points while they are still fresh in my mind.

version 4

Apollo rode the lesser azimuths,
his chariot streaming hues, Dead stop right here and start the next line with "Diana"
while Diana gazed out amber panes "out" or "through"?

and we epitomized autumn,
ruby veiled maples
with jack-o’-lantern vistas.

We were scions of Demeter,
negotiating leaf veins
with carotene stained coats.

Consider:
"We negotiated leaf veins
with carotene stained coats
as scions of Demeter"

actually, your way may be better as I like the strenght of stating "We were scions of Demeter" but maybe you can find a way to meld the two.

Rakish, in our camouflage
of nuptial vestments, we communed
like monks in turmeric robes.

I would definitely kill "rakish" allowing you to state"

"Camouflaged in nuptial vestments
we communed
like monks in turmeric robes"


With curry flavored mouths,
we exchanged lamb stew breaths;
as if each were a wing of one crow

or twin larvae sharing a chrysalis,
imaginal discs of what could be.
No scattered flock of doubt,

as we derided honking geese
that wing in obligatory echelons,
migrating to southern latitudes.

I split pine for the hearth;
she gathered stygian blooms
for our Thanksgiving table.

The sun dialed the hour winter
and she was repossessed,
blushing pomegranate.

I entered darkling torpor
within her obsidian boot,
until we became vernal again.

Hes/bil/gre/mil edit version 4: Thanks for the input guys

I like the direction you are heading with this one, I will be back with more later if I don't forget. It is good to see someone that is not afraid to revise.