08-13-2013, 01:29 AM
(08-13-2013, 12:56 AM)asolace Wrote: Why is it?This is something you can work with. I cant tell where to offer suggestions because the lines are to too short. As a hole though, some imagery and metaphors could be helpful to the piece. Make the lines longer and add some emphasis to the lines. for example "Must let go" Must let go of what? the person physically or emotionally? To me it seems "physically" has already been let go of.. but there isn't really that clear line to distinguish that you've let go of one or the other. and "Love." is not a good line. it doesn't really show anything.
I wish you can.
I wish I can.
Your repel.
My chase.
The pain.
Why do you?
Why do I?
I wish I didn't.
One more day.
Time to forget.
Can't let go.
One last chat.
Need to let go.
One last time.
Your thoughts?
Unknown.
Why?
Must let go.
Love.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"

