08-12-2013, 03:56 PM
If anyone really needs your explanation of those two lines, I'm not sure they should be commenting 
I think it would help clarity and flow if you used capitalisation correctly/conventionally. Having punctuation marks, but no capitals following period etc. is unsettling when reading; it's easy to wrongly join lines that are intended to be separate, which then confuses meaning. That might be a deliberate effect but it doesn't appear to be so here - it just comes across as a little lazy/careless, not even affected.
If you have a strong reason to not capitalise at the start of sentences, I would break the second stanza after the third line. Otherwise there's a tendency to read three and four as linked, which totally reverses your meaning.
I'd also consider a semi-colon after "storm" to better link the closing segment.
There's a really interesting undercurrent in the comfort being "foreign and fake". The meaning and image comes over very well, yet at the same time raises questions - this is something you do naturally, so why is it foreign? Fake is easy, but foreign? Interesting choice of word!
There's also some nice ambiguity about the source of your fear. Ostensibly the weather, but also tied up with fear of God, fear of the unknown, of "power" etc. Or maybe that's me reading in stuff from outside from other cultural touching points.
I think it would help clarity and flow if you used capitalisation correctly/conventionally. Having punctuation marks, but no capitals following period etc. is unsettling when reading; it's easy to wrongly join lines that are intended to be separate, which then confuses meaning. That might be a deliberate effect but it doesn't appear to be so here - it just comes across as a little lazy/careless, not even affected.
If you have a strong reason to not capitalise at the start of sentences, I would break the second stanza after the third line. Otherwise there's a tendency to read three and four as linked, which totally reverses your meaning.
I'd also consider a semi-colon after "storm" to better link the closing segment.
There's a really interesting undercurrent in the comfort being "foreign and fake". The meaning and image comes over very well, yet at the same time raises questions - this is something you do naturally, so why is it foreign? Fake is easy, but foreign? Interesting choice of word!
There's also some nice ambiguity about the source of your fear. Ostensibly the weather, but also tied up with fear of God, fear of the unknown, of "power" etc. Or maybe that's me reading in stuff from outside from other cultural touching points.