More than Once upon a Hillock

[EileenGreay]

Apollo rode lesser azimuths,
his chariot streaming hues,
while Luna upheld amber façade This is a very dense stanza - lots of complex imagery going on, which is fine, but I think you could pace this differently so it's not such an onslaught on the senses.

and we epitomized autumn,
vermillion veiled maples
with jack-o’-lantern vistas. Now this is better, beautifully coloured.

Demeter’s scions,
we negotiated leaf veins
with carotene stained pelages. Good again, but lots going on.

Rakish, our camouflage
of sun-washed vestments,
ersatz monks in turmeric robes. More beautiful colouring, this is very intense

Curry flavored mouths,
exchanging lamb stew breaths, This is very intense, but I find the change in tone hear a bit difficult to reconcile with the start of the poem.
each a wing of one crow

within shared chrysalis,
imaginal discs of what could be.
No scattered flock of doubt,

as we chortled at honking geese
that wing obligatory echelons,
migrating to southern latitudes.

I split pine for the hearth;
she gathered stygian blooms
for our Thanksgiving table. My favourite stanza. I sense more space here.

Sun-dialed the hour winter
and she was repossessed,
blushing pomegranate.

I entered darkling torpor
within her obsidian boot,
until we became vernal again.

Hes/bil version 2 edit

Well done, Chris, I like this very much - you have a wonderful ear for sound, and a great sense of colour. Sorry for the lack of detailed textual critique, but my comments are more about the general style.

The disarmingly simple title gives way to a style which is incredibly dense and sensory - lots of colour, smell, taste. I think you, like myself, find the sound of certain words more appealing than their sense or connotations - I always have the temptation to write just stanzas of different combinations of beautiful words, regardless of their meaning. It's useful to have this sense, I feel, but these beautiful words are often only as stunning as their surroundings are ordinary. The word 'turmeric', for example, is wonderful: but it becomes much less striking when surrounded by 'sun-washed', 'curry', 'vestments', 'ersatz'. It's quite overwhelming - a bit of an onslaught on the senses as I noticed above, which can be wonderful, but I think needs to be moderated by a sense of pace.

I hope this is helpful - I like your style, and think this has some great potential. My comments are merely my own opinion.