Bird (edit 2)

[tectak]

There was no mourning
for the bird this morning;
Laying limp on the cross walk.

I simply passed him by.
Didn't bother with goodbye,
was in a hurry
on the fly;

as always.

Most has been said so repeating will not help. You will always have a problem with these little gestalt poems...everyone does, particularly the readers. What makes the poem worth the effort? Well, there is so little induced thinking in the piece you can only hope that the whole is made perfect by the precision and technique. OK. Let's start with that in mind but not forget that this "story" is about a dead bird, hit by a car on a crossing, that you walked by.
Sorry, but morning/mourning is so hackneyed that it is probably the very top of every poet's "Avoid List". It's not as if it inspires any of the "induced thinking" mentioned earlier, but more that it is just used because you realised one morning that it sounded like mourning and you had a poem.
So...where to go? I mentioned gestalts. Could you restructure this to complete a triple-layered process...you almost have it already.
1 observation of dead bird.
2 consideration of the emotional angst of small but pitiful death.
3 Resolution of sadness by rationalistion.


Use these three "compartments" to contain each section of your poem. You do not, and should not, need to stick in cliched old devices like morning/mourning to make this work.As billy pointed out, you ruined the poem with the couplet. Think NEW.
Best,
tectak