08-09-2013, 04:23 AM
Thanks, ChristopherSea. I'm not quite sure what makes a rant a rant but this wasn't meant to be one or even close. The "Poor" in the title is of the "Ah, poor you" variety. It's a meta-poem.
You've a good point about the punctuation, sort of thing I'd say myself, but there's to be no commas in this.
Eyes burn at deformities and jaundice - which is an abbreviated way of saying "Eyes burn at the sight of deformities and jaundice".
I can see that without "and" or a comma before "the way you gulp for air" but I like the effect, though I'm now thinking on alternatives.
The last 6 lines were originally one stanza. It's meant to lament the inexorable slide of poems off the page on sites such as this one.
You've a good point about the punctuation, sort of thing I'd say myself, but there's to be no commas in this.
Eyes burn at deformities and jaundice - which is an abbreviated way of saying "Eyes burn at the sight of deformities and jaundice".
I can see that without "and" or a comma before "the way you gulp for air" but I like the effect, though I'm now thinking on alternatives.
The last 6 lines were originally one stanza. It's meant to lament the inexorable slide of poems off the page on sites such as this one.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.