08-08-2013, 10:30 PM
(08-08-2013, 10:44 AM)billy Wrote: A purple ocean over rolling hills;Hi billy.
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine"the" rather than "that"
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers...then no "it" but maybe colon after "captive". " held us captive: two seasoned Sunday ramblers". Your poem.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stridenonsensical line break and suicidal drop off the enjambment. No to this. No comma after crooks. "Walking staffs" ore even "hiker's staffs" rather than "hiker's crooks" unless you are walking 100miles to collect in the sheep.
the granite altar. Spread throughout the moorYou need to link the altar to the moor. The full stop prevents this.Maybe...
"Walker's staffs and leather boots
ready to stride the granite altar;
our solace, our place of worship."
it was our solace, our place of worship.no to "it" again
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit...I was suspicious of "alit" and checked it out. It is correct! I don't like it but cannot judge it harshly on false grounds. Another way? "...as tired waterfowl touched down "
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.mirrored planes and silver painted say the same thing to me...BUT...if you say HOW the waterfowl affect the "planes" you may get away with it.
" We'd watch as tired waterfowl touched down,
disturbing silvered planes of mirror ponds." Hmmm. I am not as good as I think I am, mostly
A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.canvas. I REALLY like the Picasso blue period...but would ask that you give him the benefit of ownership. Would you stretch to "Picasso's blue"?
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and What happened to end the line on a strong word....and?
waited on the wing before they dove.Kestrels and Doves
from the mentor thread
Best I can do with this. It is almost there. Do not leave this one. Finish it. There is enough goodness in it to warrant cleaning of the plate. Get it while it's hot.
Best,
tectak