08-08-2013, 06:57 PM
Not Our Special Place? Very nice, I think, apart from lines 8-10.
A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers. - you don't need "it"
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride - you don't need a comma
the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit - "alit" seems perverse! alighted is much better!
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds. - not silver and painted, surely!
A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed - I find it rather vague
across a canvass of Picasso blue. - Picasso has no business here and canvas has only one s
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.
Nice ending.
A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers. - you don't need "it"
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride - you don't need a comma
the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit - "alit" seems perverse! alighted is much better!
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds. - not silver and painted, surely!
A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed - I find it rather vague
across a canvass of Picasso blue. - Picasso has no business here and canvas has only one s
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.
Nice ending.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.