hi makeshift 
for such a short poem there are too many forced end lines.
mourning/morning destroyed the poem and by/goodbye blue up what was left of it. what i did like about it was the originality.
wait for a few people to give feedback before explaining you're intent. that way it's more fun for the reader
for such a short poem there are too many forced end lines.
mourning/morning destroyed the poem and by/goodbye blue up what was left of it. what i did like about it was the originality.
(08-08-2013, 03:00 AM)makeshift Wrote: There was no mourning
for the bird this morning; the two mo/urnings feel forced, too clever by half, suggestion would be to drop [this morning]
Laying limp on the cross walk.
I simply passed him by.
Didn't bother with goodbye, again the two by/e rhymes don't serve a purpose, a suggestion would be to cut this line
was in a hurry
on the fly; this is the cleverest line of the poem and works on more than one level
as always. this line is the worst line you have
wait for a few people to give feedback before explaining you're intent. that way it's more fun for the reader