oppression

[heslopian]

Sun's Night Is this the subtitle?

Arrows of cold whip and wrap themself This should be "themselves", as "arrows" is plural. around my skin Could you put a line break here? chasing away the erst warmth of sun's pride.

Cold is the night, I'd phrase this as "the night is cold", just because the backward syntax makes it sound a bit cliche.
... Seasons may pass bringing the sweet smell of leaves and the innocence of Spring,
but Night still holds it's reign. "Its" in the possessive context doesn't need an apostrophe. Also, why is "Night" capitalised here but not before?

Above my head, while I can't sleep,
I gaze out at the illusion of sheltered Is "sheltered" needed? "Illusion of guiding lights" is more profound, I think. guiding lights we call stars.
The bright colours day Surely night is the one forcing them out? forced into withdrawal from the dying of the light,
the only things around us which hide in plain sight. I really like this line. The idea of light "hiding in plain sight" - we know it's there, but we don't see it as a physical body - intrigues me.

My evergreen trees,
The blooming light violet on cherry trees,
whistling emerald green grass,
even the clothes on your back! This verse feels like it's the tail end of a thought you haven't shared with us. "Even the clothes on your back" what? What are you saying that these things you list are, or represent, or whatever?

When insomnia makes it's rounds through cities and towns, Good rhyme of "rounds and "towns".
to gaze up at the deceitful silvery glows of stars stretched across my home. This line and its predecessor are clauses of a sentence which isn't resolved. What happens when insomnia makes its rounds to gaze up at the glows?
To shed light? Because the previous sentence hasn't been resolved, this sounds like a non sequitur.
An aftermath of the sun's departure. I like the idea that night is day's aftermath, which I think is what you're subtly suggesting here.
A dark box stretched out past a rainbows "Rainbows" needs an apostrophe, as it's a noun being used in a possessive context. range with holes poked through to prevent suffocation!

Night reveres sun's reign with it's golden, As there's no "the" before "sun's", should "sun's" be capitalised?
life-giving warmth dripping from it's tower like sweet honey.
Sun fills the air and shatters Night's erstwhile winds to ignite our path,
present clothes which liberate our skin,
reveal glimpses of golden hair trail through fields,
and presents the sea with sapphire sheets. I really like this line. It's a very effective personification of nature.

They transform to shards of diamond light Could a line break go here, if for no other reason than to emphasise the rhyme? when sun takes it's last flight.

Night has it's Should this be "to" ("Night has to wait")? wait to take watch and deceive
those who look up at that starry, good night.
To deceive and confuse with darkened trails,
attracting ominous tales, How? And what does it mean to attract a tale?
and prolongs it's stay with holes to breathe. What, where and why are these holes?

I have seen it's true intentions as it glides over us Could a line break go here? have made my stand staring towards it's face.
The likeliness Should this be "likeness"? of it's brother Is this brother day? it prefers not to see as it comes when all eyes, but mine, are closed.

Sometimes I think about dreams that never seem to unfold I like the use of "unfold" here. It subtly conveys the impenetrability of some dreams. as I lay awake under Night's watch. Although now when darkness glides over,
trailing sun's last light,
clothing my tree's No apostrophe needed, as this is a plural. and evergreen fields the same shade of communistic equality with no aspirations to be felt,
I do not fear or quiver. This line may be more striking if it was its own sentence.

I have had my day in it's own night as I defy this bottom feeder of light. I love the description "bottom feeder of light"; it's so sinister and contemptuous.
I stare, I stare past your shadows and reduce you to your deceitful trickles of jealous silver. The first "I stare" could be removed, but otherwise this is a very good last line. Darkly magical.

- Anonymous Green Ink

The poem needs a lot more focus and clarity. There's some lovely images and intriguing ideas, but the narrative engine keeps stalling. Take a trimmer to as many extraneous words as you can find and you'll really have something here. A bit more attention to form also wouldn't go amiss. Could lines be more artfully arranged to emphasise rhymes, rhythms and images? All of my critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you for the read