08-07-2013, 09:23 PM
I don't consider myself a master of punctuations but it seems to me that you might be missing them all over. It makes it hard to read it and know where to pause because of the lack of commas and periods. For example in this part:
An amazing lady, she never stopped.
Even when her heart grew so soft <-- (no punctuation here, makes it not flow with the next line?)
Brisk morning walks through the corridors
Getting sick of the doctors telling her to rest.
The first part was good, I think. The rhyming was consistent. I didn't particularly like the second part, it feels unstructured and it doesn't flow.
"What happened to you?
This little old lady once so full of life.
Rotting away in a nighty of white.
Your family you love circles you at your bed
smiling along with their minds full of dread."
An amazing lady, she never stopped.
Even when her heart grew so soft
Brisk morning walks through the corridors
Getting sick of the doctors telling her to rest.
I liked the last part. You were consistent with the rhyming, and it flowed well. It had a good rhythm.
Whenever and wherever you decide to leave
We are all going to wear our hearts on our sleeves
We’ll sing your favorite song as the curtain falls
Leaving us all in a bitter sweet remorse.
Although your mind and body have started to die
Your spirit will soar and your soul will fly.
Overall, I don't think you did too bad. It's pretty good!
An amazing lady, she never stopped.
Even when her heart grew so soft <-- (no punctuation here, makes it not flow with the next line?)
Brisk morning walks through the corridors
Getting sick of the doctors telling her to rest.
The first part was good, I think. The rhyming was consistent. I didn't particularly like the second part, it feels unstructured and it doesn't flow.
"What happened to you?
This little old lady once so full of life.
Rotting away in a nighty of white.
Your family you love circles you at your bed
smiling along with their minds full of dread."
An amazing lady, she never stopped.
Even when her heart grew so soft
Brisk morning walks through the corridors
Getting sick of the doctors telling her to rest.
I liked the last part. You were consistent with the rhyming, and it flowed well. It had a good rhythm.
Whenever and wherever you decide to leave
We are all going to wear our hearts on our sleeves
We’ll sing your favorite song as the curtain falls
Leaving us all in a bitter sweet remorse.
Although your mind and body have started to die
Your spirit will soar and your soul will fly.
Overall, I don't think you did too bad. It's pretty good!