Transient

[billy]

hi makeshift
two things, you mention, cliche and insincere. i'm not sure it's clumsy.
i'm not sure how daughter of day ties into transient, in truth i'm not sure the title help at all.

back to things you mentioned, if you think they could be cliche or insincere then they probably are. it's also forced in places. it needs a cause, it's a bone without muscle. it's okay if you flesh it out and connect the dots. at present all you have are some words and few phrases that leave the reader feeling cheated. take a look at the pdf's in my signature and get a few ideas there. it's better than a lot of starter out poems but it needs a lot of work.

Dusk,
youthful child.
Daughter of day.

Pale,
hauntingly innocent,
helplessly small
prey.

Caught,
captive of time.
Left to decay.

Withering,
Lost and forgotten
Wasting a-
way.




Alright, with the exception of some things I did as assignments in high school, this is my first poem. I wrote it a few months ago and wasn't very happy with it, got a bit discouraged and haven't wrote much since. I wanted to share a poem I was a bit closer to but I cant seem to write anything and I'm eager to post something for critique. This effort feels a bit cliche/insincere to me aswell as a bit clumsy but maybe it will resonant better with others, and at any rate I can get some outside opinions on it. Appreciate all feedback.