intrusion

[billy]

hi fm

at the moment it comes across as block prose. has lot's of cliche. the good poins are that it has some imagery and a theme. a suggestion would be to remove or exchange the cliche for original phrase and cut away two thirds of the piece, and use shorter lines, an example would be;

I awoke to the creaking door
and a silhouette of a stranger,
I rolled off the bed, like a granite balloon.
Crushing the carpet, i grabbed the forty four
and sent three caps to greet his head.

not great i know but it's just a quicky example hope it helps.