08-05-2013, 04:23 AM
This is a well-written conceit that is consistent throughout the poem -- an unusual feat these days and well worth applauding.
I feel you could break the first stanza after "focus" and have those first two lines stand alone directly after the title to draw attention to the fact that we're embarking on an extended metaphor.
"The cord is broke" is vernacular that sounds out of place here. (I can almost picture a wee unemployed umbilical cord begging on the streets.)
I'm afraid I disagree that "some" is longer than "a" -- they're precisely the same in emphasis and length. However, "a flannel" is just that tiny bit more specific, and in fact there's really no reason you couldn't just say "flannel".
In the last stanza, others' requires an apostrophe.
All up, it's a pretty solid poem
I feel you could break the first stanza after "focus" and have those first two lines stand alone directly after the title to draw attention to the fact that we're embarking on an extended metaphor.
"The cord is broke" is vernacular that sounds out of place here. (I can almost picture a wee unemployed umbilical cord begging on the streets.)
I'm afraid I disagree that "some" is longer than "a" -- they're precisely the same in emphasis and length. However, "a flannel" is just that tiny bit more specific, and in fact there's really no reason you couldn't just say "flannel".
In the last stanza, others' requires an apostrophe.
All up, it's a pretty solid poem
It could be worse