(08-04-2013, 03:15 AM)cotidiano Wrote: I decided not to add much punctuation or capitalization, even though I normally go crazy with it. Not sure about the title. I wanted to capture as many sensory details as possible without falling into purple prose.
Nightly Ritual
ping pong of tennis balls against racquets--
Good opener, I like the use of ping pong.
a solid pop and a twangy boing back and forth
It's hard to imagine what sound you're going for with "boing"
fence clashing as a shot flies outward
The unnatural fit of "back and forth fence clashing" sort of makes me cringe like I shot a tennis ball out of play - I like it.
cicadas chattering rhythmically
coarse yellow fur of an old friend
Nice imagery & alliteration here.
warm air enveloping skin, embracing, invigorating
hands warming as blood pumps through veins
Very good flow to match the moving descriptions.
feet skidding across rusty concrete
dark orange marks like comets across a twinkling green sky
laughter.
Nice ending, I like the way laughter just sort of echoes at the end. Leaves you feeling like you just played a great game of tennis.
Just sort of my thoughts as I read the piece. I liked it a lot, you had some great images and it flowed nicely for the most part. I don't dislike the title, but I do think you could think of a more interesting one.