08-04-2013, 12:03 AM
(08-03-2013, 10:54 PM)Bekkere Wrote: Mr awesome, Mr smiley. A small nit picky thing: You might want to capitalise Smiley and Awesome, as they're namesIt's a sweet piece, I think you capture the turbulent beginnings of romance, or more that anxious 'crush' phase. I'm not entirely sure the rhyme scheme is working for you here, sometimes a poem can become too restricted by trying to stick to a set structure.
Your eyes have hooks and i dare not peak. You want 'peek' here, unless you do mean 'peak' as in a mountain peak, or peak of a cap..? I suppose both work, in different ways.
Contagious lashings of smiles for me. I'm not convinced by the same-ish word here in 'smiles'. 'grins' could work here, especially with the other 'g' sounds in the line
I've never seen colour like this,
these colours that u shine I see.
Emerald green and golds, I really like these three lines. It's sweet!
sparkly boy you make my stomach skip. Comma after 'sparkly boy'
My head is a huricane that bends and twists, hurricane
and I feel so high I cannot get grip. 'get a grip' or 'find grip'
In this storm I drown and sink.
But I've never died so alive you see...I don't understand the last line here.
You have some smaller grammatical and spelling mistakes, but these are easily rectified.
Keep chasing it

Rubi
