Forever and evrah

[TheWall0912]

Hi guys, I'm new here and this really isn't my thing as I'm not very good at all but I thought I might post something I wrote in hope of getting my partner back. I have never done anything like this before so you critics can go nuts on me and the "forever and evrah" part is an "inside" thing between us.

I wrote your name in the sand,
Then turned to have you hold my hand,
I loved you every day and night,
Even when I made us fight,
You make me smile and make me cry,
Without you I feel like I will die,
To me your my first and only love,
But now as I stare at the sky above,
I see how I treated you and made you hurt,
I made you feel smaller than a grain of dirt,
For that I am sorry, disgusted and ashamed,
And I know that I am the one to be blamed,
Now I feel like an empty shell,
And my heart hurts, it's as painful as hell, The rhyme feels forced here, maybe try "my heart residing in a painful hell"
I promise I'm trying and I'm holding on to hope,
As this is the way I can cope,
I was stupid and dumb,
Immature and young,
I played with fire and yes I got burnt,
But I promise that from my lesson I have learnt,
I want to start over as this can't be the end,
You are my partner, my lover and by far my bestfriend,
If you are willing to forgive but not to forget,
I swear I'll make you happy and my life I will bet. Just a suggestion, "I'll make you happier than you've ever been yet"
I wrote your name in the sand but it was stolen by the tide,
You wrote your name in my heart where forever and evrah it will reside

I miss you...

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Just had a read through some others and mine is very different so I apologise in advance haha, I just wrote down what came to mind, it took about 15 minutes. As I said this is really out of my comfort zone, I'm a 20 year old tree lopper who rides dirt bikes haha so sorry for my sloppiness

I agree that some rhymes feel forced. I would play around with the wording on a few lines, definitely try to show a picture. I really like the way that you started and ended with the same picture of the name in the sand, maybe try to stick with that theme? It might be worth it to play around with it and try to compare your relationship to this name in the sand and how the water came and washed it away but that you want to rewrite it in a safer place. Just an idea. Not sure if you care about having any cliches in your writing but you have a few that you might want to look at and remove. Overall it's a good start, just needs some tweaking. You can also play around with the meter, poems generally flow more if the couplets have the same number of syllables. That's what I try to do when I write poems where the couplets rhyme. For example:

I wrote your name in the sand,
Then turned to have you hold my hand,
I loved you every day and night,
Even when I made us fight,

could be...

Your name written in the sand,
you and I stand hand in hand,
I loved you each day and night,
even when I made us fight,

Good luck with the editing! I'm sure this person will like it since it came from the heart.