08-01-2013, 01:39 PM
Hi,
I think it's a fine, simple little image you have here. I've read both versions of your poem and tried to compare them. What I came up with is that I think the new version overall stands stronger with the removal of excess words and such. I just think you cut out a few too many words than necessary, making the new version seem more fragmented, whereas the original version had a more cohesive feel, which I felt fitting for this particular poem. Mainly in S1. Also, "Small, little boy".. do you need both small and little? For me, the poem wouldn't lose anything if you used just one of the words.
All is just my humble opinion of course. I like both versions very much still; a lovely image that makes one smile.
Best,
LB
I think it's a fine, simple little image you have here. I've read both versions of your poem and tried to compare them. What I came up with is that I think the new version overall stands stronger with the removal of excess words and such. I just think you cut out a few too many words than necessary, making the new version seem more fragmented, whereas the original version had a more cohesive feel, which I felt fitting for this particular poem. Mainly in S1. Also, "Small, little boy".. do you need both small and little? For me, the poem wouldn't lose anything if you used just one of the words.
All is just my humble opinion of course. I like both versions very much still; a lovely image that makes one smile.
Best,
LB